Week Two: August 21st to August 27th

I’ve survived seven days of teaching. My kids are good. They just don’t know how to turn in assignments… even when we do them together in class. So far I have discussed this problem (at the suggestion of my mentor) with about fifteen parents. Thank goodness I can speak Spanish because some of them don’t speak English at all. I’ve also met with three students after class and required one student to come to my room after school to discuss some negative behavior in class. This negative behavior consists primarily of shouting out obnoxious what-if questions during discussions, talking to other students, talking to himself when there is no one else who will listen, and then today he became snappy and rude to other students who asked him to stop talking. His demeanor changed entirely when I had him one-on-one. I’ve never seen a child shake so violently—I was fanned by the frantic shaking of the rolled and twisted papers in his hands. Unlike during class, whenever I asked a question he only gave me one-word answers. I felt kind of bad for him and tried to assure that I enjoy having him in my class, but there needed to be some changes. Sometimes I feel like the devil.

All I can say is that this is probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s 11:43pm and I’m still at school, just finishing up for the day. No one else is in the building and I’m all alone. Tomorrow morning, I know my car will be the first in the parking lot. I don’t know how anyone is ever able to go home. What can I do to speed up my work or be more efficient? Everything seems to take so long. I took some time off this afternoon for a doctor appointment and a nap and then drove right back.

I love the kids and I want to be the best teacher I can be—I just don’t know how and I feel so clumsy. One thing I know I need to work on is watching the time and giving them enough of a chance to clean up before the bell rings. I feel guilty when I forget and work them up to the bell and then send them scrambling to their next classes. The room is usually left a mess that way and I feel like I am ultimately the one to blame for it. Also, I never thought it would be so hard to stick to all the procedures I’ve created, or how difficult it is to discipline the same student over and over again. It wears me down and makes me feel like I’m hurting the student somehow or picking on him or something. Sometimes I want to tell them I’m sorry, other times I want to shake them and shout, “How many times do I have to tell you to STOP TALKING while I am talking?!” And now and then I want to lock the door to my room during lunch and cry. Today I did.

It’s been a long day. I’m so excited for Labor Day. I’m going to actually try to get ahead of myself so that maybe I can start sleeping at night. Even so, when I close my eyes, my students’ faces are framed against the back of my eyelids.